On Lockdown
In the last weeks of Kindergarten, our sweet girl came home from school talking about a different kind of “fire drill” they’d had at school. I was confused about what it was, as she tried to explain it. Turns out, it wasn’t a fire drill at all.Their school had to do a lockdown drill. It's something I never had to think of, or worry about, when I was just five years old. The children learned how to hide from a shooter, silently, in the classroom. She said some people even had to hide in the bathroom with the door locked.And then my baby, who battles anxiety and overwhelm on a good day, said "I was really scared, Mama. I couldn't even ask a grownup for help, because we weren't allowed to talk."
Oh, my heart.
I wished, in that moment, that I could have been there. It makes my throat choke up and tears burn to even think about it now. I wished that I could have held my baby who has already experienced enough to know that life can be scary, and let her know that I was guarding her. I wanted her to know that she could be calm and at peace, because her Mama would do whatever it took to guard that precious heart.Friend, we live in a world that can be terrifying. A world that sometimes makes it feel like we should just lock ourselves in our homes, and hide from the “bad guy.” That lockdown seems safer than freedom. The reality is, we can't get away from terror. From scary news around the world, on our social newsfeeds, on TV, on the phones in our hands as we try to relax at home. Although things might be happening 3,000 kms away, it feels like terror is crouching at our door, or in our neighbourhood. And that’s typical of our other, more normal fears, isn’t it? It's hard to forget them. They seem bigger, more ominous than they really are. And, just like the low likelihood that my daughter will ever actually see a shooter in her school, so many of my fears are unlikely to ever be realized.
We learn when we’re very small to hide from scary things.
It’s a good, protective thing that God built into our brains – an instinct that keeps us from basic, dangerous things, like running out in front of a car, but it can also become a habitual pattern, dictating how we respond to everything. If we want to, we can see danger everywhere.I’m there sometimes, too - lying awake at 3 AM, with my mind cycling through both real and imagined threats... Whether my daughter will be able to make a good friend at school. What a blood test result will reveal. Whether I’m doing enough exercise to prevent a heart attack in my 40’s. Whether I can handle all I’ve taken on. If I made the right decisions. Whether we’ll get into the summer camp program we need. If I’ve done enough to love my family, protect my business, build my relationships, or care for my home. Whether I locked the sliding door, or took something out of the freezer for dinner tomorrow. I know I’m not alone either – I’ve seen enough memes on social media to know that other women are up in the night thinking the same things. This midnight mind race can make a dark bedroom into a prison-like hiding place.I forget that my God is bigger than all of these things. I forget, in the midst of my fears, that He's real. I forget that He tells me to be strong and courageous. That He says to His people, over and over, to "not be afraid." I forget that He's sufficient for all my needs. That I don't need to "manage" the scary things, but I do need to turn them over to the One who can.And so, when I'm tempted to go into my own personal lockdown, I’m reminding myself of what I’m trying to teach our girl:
On Lockdown
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
It’s a truth I’m practicing as I preach – trusting the God who brings peace to the storm, calms chaos, and stills my fretting mind with deep, heart truth. He provides a light for me in the dark. The reality is, there are some things that are just scary. We've walked through a lot of them as a family. And, just like I wished I could hold my baby when she was practicing lockdown, there is One who holds me. Who holds her. Who is sufficient for all our needs. Who promises peace beyond anything we can understand, which is good, because this world is so confusing. And all He asks, is that we talk to Him. That we tell Him when we're worried and afraid. That we remember His faithfulness, and choose to be thankful. And this peace? It is what guards what really matters: our hearts and minds, so that we can truly live.There is One who is present in our lockdown, and who sets us free, friend. Last night, when we were tucking our Girl in, and she felt scared to stay in her bed alone (thanks so much, lockdown drill), we talked about how we never have to actually be alone.
I can’t promise her that she won’t be hurt, or that she’ll always be safe, because she won’t. I can, however, promise her that she is free to be brave, because she’s never alone.
It’s true for us, too, you know - you and I. We live in a world that is scary, but we can open the doors of our own personal lockdown, because we’re not walking alone. In this world, we will have trouble, friend. But, take heart, being strong and courageous, stepping forward in faith that the God of the universe, Who knit you together, Who knows the hairs on your head – has not left you to walk alone. And that who the Son sets free, is free indeed.
And guess what? We’re in this together.
Although my girl was hushed and couldn't ask for help in that moment of terror, we don’t have to be silent about our fears, for fear that the “bad guys” will hear us, when we're locked down. When we speak our fears out loud, we often realize how unreasonable they actually are, and we find friends who are just like us. The truth about who we are, and how loved we are, sets us free – speaking faith to our fears, and releasing us to really live.
Let’s walk out of lockdown & live free, friend.
If you liked this, read On Giving It Away.